TIPPING YOUR FERTILITY SCALES
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Infertility and life stress are real and you can't just "stop caring." So let me teach you a super simple way (and one of my favorites) to reframe and work with your stress to make it feel so much lighter. It'll even help you feel more tuned-in and powerful along the way.
In this video you’ll learn.
I'll cover the Tipping the Scales reframe idea
Break down the 3 easy steps to do it
Share some nuances to keep it customized
Warmly,
Nicole
Nicole Lange
LICENSED ACUPUNCTURIST
HOLISTIC FERTILITY EDUCATOR
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I'm Nicole Lange, acupuncturist, holistic fertility educator, and creator of The Baby You Want online fertility program.
If you're watching this video, I hope you've already watched The Single Biggest Concept video on The Baby You Want homepage. In that video we established, well, the single biggest concept for better holistic fertility, which is - A fabulous and abundant whole life equals improved fertility and the baby you want.
We also used three breakout ideas to support just how radical this idea really is. They are:
Baby Blinders. You know, that belief that you just might need to put up with all the harm that's done to your mind and body and life and repair the damages after you get a baby, because getting pregnant is your sole focus.
That's baby blinders, and they're real and really not holistically helpful.
Nursery, House, and Neighborhood. Your uterus, ovaries, and other direct reproductive factors are like the nursery, but your body and your mind are the house and your bigger life and relationships are your neighborhood.
And if you pimp out your nursery while your house and your neighborhood fall into increasing levels of disrepair, a baby is still going to be less likely to move in because bodies and babies are really wise.
And, The Baby You Want. There's the bare minimum baby, that's the one born with baby blinders on and the focus solely on the nursery to a mom or parent who feels beat down and traumatized. But the baby you really, really want is the one that's actually born from that fabulous, abundant whole life to a thriving mom or parent.
And I've got good news. The baby you want is still totally possible. I promise. But you have to start moving towards balance and thriving to get it. And, well, it's one thing to have this idea in your mind, but it's another to have some actionable way to get started.
And that is what this video is all about.
This is the Tipping Your Scales video. And it is all about one of my very, very favorite and most doable action plans for moving towards balance instead of away from it starting right this very moment. In this video, here's what we're going to cover.
I'll do a tipping the scales overview, cover a three step scale tipping action plan, and then we'll finish with a real life example to get a little more nuanced.
Let's get started.
I want you to picture the Scales of Justice. Not that anything about infertility is one bit fair, but stick with me. You know, those old timey scales on the chains. Now on one side, let's put everything that stresses you out. The things that make you feel more pressure, more overwhelmed, less balanced as a human being.
Let me give you some examples:
Timed stressful sex or sex that's associated with zero fun and 100% failure; guilt over eating too much sugar; midnight online fertility and forum searches that send you into spirals; money concerns; losing sleep; the pressure of another two week wait, reading labels to try to eat how your acupuncture tells you you should;
worrying about why what you're doing hasn't worked yet - what are you missing? Do you have to do more? What if it never works or what if it works and then you have a miscarriage?
Maybe you're doing injections of hormones. Maybe you're running around to a zillion appointments and missing work. Maybe you've got a pregnant coworker at work who totally is clueless about infertility, and you're having side effects from all those hormones - the rage; the crying all the time; the dealing with insurance; the pregnant friends and pregnant everyone else.
And those are just a bunch of fertility specific things. There's the rest of your life too. That doesn't go away.
So maybe you've got a demanding boss, or deadlines, or work travel, or road rage.
Maybe you're thinking about what's for dinner, who's grocery shopping this week, and those overdue library books.
Dare I mention politics? Social media? Maybe there's just totally random stuff like your dog has an ear infection, or your cat started peeing on stuff, or your sister's dating a jerk.
You will always have your own specifics, but whatever your scale tippers are, I can pretty much guarantee that it is a lot.
And of course these things are stressful. Feeling stressed given all these factors is very, very normal and very, very human. And you can't just turn off the stress of infertility in life.
So the trick isn't to stop feeling what a human being would feel or to magically end the stress. The trick is to relate to, and work with the stress, in a really different way.
I'm going to teach you a new way to relate to and work with your stress. And it is super doable. I want you to do it in three simple steps, and step one is to notice times two.
The first notice is to notice the mere fact that your scales exist and that they're tipped in a not great way. Hey. I'm stressed. I'm suffering here. I'm overwhelmed. I feel helpless. I feel guilty. I feel so much pressure and it does not feel good.
And the second notice is to notice what you can actually change.
Ask yourself - do I have any control over the stuff on that bogged down heavy side of the scale? And spoiler alert, what you're going to start to notice is that most often the things you can most easily and most often change, might not be the super direct fertility ones. I mean, you can't change if you need to do shots for IVF and you can't skip the two week wait, but you will be able to change the overall level of your imbalance in some very, very doable ways in other parts of your life once you start to see that everything is interconnected.
So maybe you say no to going to that clueless coworkers lunch shower. Maybe you try out a grocery delivery service. Maybe you get those library books returned and you're pet to the vet.
And here's the big shift. You actually count these things as fertility related wins. This reframe alone is going to start to help you feel more proactive and engaged and less helpless and out of control.
And for the many things you notice you cannot change, that two week wait for example, that will bring you to step two of this action plan, which is be kind. Be kind is just basically my way of saying use self-compassion.
Instead of feeling like a failure and beating yourself up for having perfectly normal human responses to a really, really hard situation, be kind by saying to yourself, yeah, I'm stressed. I've done everything in my power and I've been trying for however many months, or years, and this is the entire trajectory of my life and yes, I care. I care deeply. Yes I'm anxious and weepy, and probably the hormones aren't helping either, and I deserve kindness for that too.
I deserve self-care and self-love. Not self judgment.
The alternative, of course, is to stick with just the self abuse. I suck. I feel guilty about feeling these feelings. I should be zen. I'm failing somehow.
And here's what happens to your scales when you go with that route. You have the legit stress of all the fertility stuff, and the general life stuff, and then you add self-judgment and stress about stress, and end up tipping your scales even further towards imbalanced by being mean to yourself.
So just say no, my friends. Just say no.
Tiny little side note. There's one other version of this second heaping of imbalance. Instead of beating themselves up, some folks tend to go into denial and pretending everything is fine mode instead. Let's not talk about it. It's not that bad. It could always be worse, right?
I'll just keep trying. There's no need to be emotional. We've just gotta stay positive. This approach is every bit as bad because denying your reality is super cognitively stressful. You can even watch on a brain scan, denying reality will light up your fight or flight areas of our brain even as we say we're fine.
So if you or your partner tend to go this route, your step two is still the same. Trade denial for being kind and use self-compassion here too.
And then move on to step three: offset, offset, offset.
Once you start looking at the whole picture, or the whole scale equation, it is really easy to suddenly see that there's actually a whole other side of your scale and roughly a bajillion things that you could put on that other side to not get rid of, but to offset your stressors and pressures, and that this matters. Things that maybe seemed irrelevant suddenly become supercharged, fertility boosters.
So go for a walk. Take just three deep breaths. Get a massage. Watch the game or a romcom or that bingy new show and, here's the key, don't feel guilty because you get that it's actually okay and helpful for your fertility.
Get up from your computer and stretch. Go to bed on time. Get a meditation app. Read a book. Plan a date night. Play with or snuggle up to your fur baby. You get the idea. There are literally limitless things that you will enjoy right here and right now that you can, and should, shift your energy and attention towards that are not only relevant to, but helpful for your fertility cause.
So that's it. Three easy steps. Notice times two, be kind, and offset wherever and whenever you can and it'll all add up. And even if it seems tiny compared to the magnitude of infertility, it will make your life feel dramatically different and promote better fertility by helping regulate your nervous system and your endocrine function.
Let me give you a real life example to illustrate a few scale related nuances.
I was at an IVF transfer and the couple shared that they were going to a wedding the following weekend, and they were weighing if they should dance it up or sit it out. Now, I had already explained the scale tipping idea to them.
So I said to them, "Well, how does dancing tip your scales versus not dancing?" And they said, "OMG, Nicole. We love dancing so much! We live to dance. We love weddings because of it. It's like our absolute favorite couples thing to do. So dancing normally feels like it tips us way towards happy and balanced.
But, we hear all these stories about people doing bed rest and not exercising at all and not getting their heart rate up during their wait. And so we're worried maybe we shouldn't and we'll beat ourselves up if we dance and then our test is negative."
First, I assured them that the research says that if you're active in ways you are normally active, it is totally fine. In fact, it may even be helpful for IVF outcomes. And then we added the scale tipping idea to their decision making process. We agreed that dancing was a pretty huge scale tipper in the right direction and that not dancing would tip them in a pretty big way in the wrong direction.
I suggested that maybe their plan could be to sit it out if dancing didn't feel good once they were actually there. And if she felt winded or tired they could just listen to what her body was saying, but they should dance as long as it was feeling good.
They agreed, they cut a rug, they enjoyed themselves immensely - even though a tiny part of them still worried because that's human - and they did get pregnant.
This example shows three great nuances.
First, scale tipping is super personal. Had another couple asked me the exact same question and were that couple not that into dancing - maybe they were just worried that their friends would notice if they didn't - then their right answer might've been totally different than this couple's.
Nuance one then is that your scales are going to be super unique to you and you need to own that as you make your best choices.
Nuance two is that it is okay to get even more customized and think of variations and continuums within your main options.
In this example it's not just about being black and white and saying yes or no to dancing at the wedding. The best scale tipping plan included them agreeing to reassess in real time. To listen to her body. And to not have to be so all or nothing ahead of time.
The third and final nuance here is sometimes a decision is going to add somewhat to both sides of the scale. But what you need to look at is the overall net effect.
Dancing, for this dance-loving couple, tips the happy, balanced, fabulous side of their scale a ton. And, especially when it was combined with solid science, worrying about dancing only tipped their stress side of the scale a little. It was still a little stressful. It was. They still worried, maybe it wasn't okay. But they trusted the overall big picture and decided to dance.
Honestly, you could see me and you could ask me about a ton of things. Should you stay at your clinic or switch? Should you go gluten-free or not? Should you exercise like normal or pause or do something in the middle? And I could answer every single one of these questions in a truly holistic big picture way with, "Well, tell me how does that tip your scales?"
Even without my input, you can make great holistic choices. And that supports your life moving towards feeling immediately better, your body feeling less threatened and more safe, and that makes you more fertile every single time.
And that my friends wraps up this video. We just covered:
Tipping the scales overview. Now you've got the basic visual and concept.
The three step scale tipping action plan. Notice times two, be kind, and offset, offset, offset.
And we've finished with a real life example to get a little more nuanced.
That's it. I want to be super clear as we're wrapping this video up. I would never, ever suggest that tipping your scales alone is going to prevent someone with a legitimate medical condition like infertility from also needing fertility treatments, or guarantee a baby for that matter.
But what I can absolutely promise you is that this idea will protect your quality of life and serve your overall balance in a really hard place. And it will make everything more likely to work how you want. No matter how you're trying, you will be more fertile when you shift how you relate and change what you do with all the very real and very legit stress in your life.
If you like concepts like this, and are excited by this different way of approaching your fertility more holistically, I would love, love, love to invite you into The Baby You Want fertility program.
The program has got all the most powerful and effective whole-you reframes, ideas, and tools I've cultivated in my 15 plus years of successfully doing fertility work and supporting people like you as they go through really hard fertility struggles and come out stronger on the other side.
I see the best outcomes on all the levels, and I would love you to have your own best outcomes too. So sign up, or check out the program tour at The Baby You Want website, and a huge, huge thank you for watching this video.
Some thoughts in a tender time.