CONSIDERING SURROGACY? HERE’S WHY ‘YOU’ STILL MATTER

Oct 13

This post weaves guest wisdom from Katy Encalade, Executive Director at Egg Donor & Surrogate Solutions (EDSS), together with my own TCM lens.

Katy is an amazing resource as she’s been both an egg donor and surrogate herself. Her colleague Whitney Hall, a two-time surrogate and care coordinator at EDSS, and I also had a wonderful surrogacy-themed conversation on the Me, You, and Who?! Podcast (recently rebranded as the Create a Happy Family Podcast).

It’s great to know Katy, Whitney and their work. These ladies are passionate and so invested in serving others! If you’re considering working with a surrogate, I encourage you to soak up this blog post and listen to the podcast episode too. I sincerely hope it validates some authentic feelings and opens you up to further exploration and your best personal choices.

The hidden journey before surrogacy.

When people first learn they need a surrogate (aka gestational carrier) to have a child, the immediate focus naturally turns to logistics: contracts, medical protocols, financial arrangements. But as the team at Egg Donor & Surrogate Solutions wisely notes, "If that's all we focus on, we miss the heart of what's really happening."

This perspective perfectly aligns with something I've observed throughout my 20+ years of practice. The paths that seem most "medical" or "procedural" are often the ones where whole-person, mind-body care becomes even more protective and important.

Executive director Katy Encalade of EDSS points out what many people don't realize is that "This road rarely begins without loss." Most intended parents arrive at surrogacy after years of fertility struggles, pregnancy losses, or the painful realization that carrying a pregnancy themselves may never be possible.

From a Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) perspective, that journey often leaves deep energetic imprints. What I see most commonly in my fertility patients is liver qi stagnation — the result of prolonged frustration, lack of control, and suppressed emotions and constrained living that come with fertility pressures, treatments, and culture.

The liver system in TCM governs the smooth flow of energy throughout the body, including reproductive function, and it’s only natural that when someone has endured years of fertility treatments, pregnancy losses, or the mounting frustration of things not going as planned, their liver qi becomes stuck. This shows up as irritability, mood swings, sleep disruption, digestive issues, tension and pain, irregular cycles, and hormonal imbalances.

By the time someone reaches surrogacy, they've often been in this state of chronic liver qi stagnation for years. And yet, it isn't something that gets addressed in the typical surrogacy process.

The mind-body reality of third-party reproduction.

Here's something fascinating that Katy observed: "While intended parents aren't the ones physically pregnant, their bodies often don't seem to know that." This is actually a perfect example of what I've been writing about regarding the man-made mind-body separation in modern medicine.

Your nervous system responds to emotional stress with the same physiological changes whether you're carrying the pregnancy or someone else is carrying it on your behalf. The anticipation, worry, hope, and fear all trigger real changes in your body.

Stress hormone levels
Sleep patterns
Digestive function
Immune response
Blood flow and circulation

"Their minds and hearts are so intertwined with the process that their bodies respond, too."
— Katy, Egg Donor & Surrogate Solutions

This is precisely why I highly recommend that intended parents lean into deeply holistic support throughout their surrogacy journey. Your body needs support for moving stuck liver qi, releasing the chronic tension and frustration, and restoring the smooth flow of energy that allows your nervous system to regulate properly — whether you're physically carrying the baby or not. This creates meaningful benefits in your quality of life, relationships, how your nervous system responds to the ongoing stress of another person carrying your pregnancy, and even how you can parent once this process is over. It’s all so important and worth paying attention to.

The surrogate has whole-person needs too.

What I appreciate about EDSS's approach is their recognition that gestational carriers also need and deserve comprehensive support. As they note, "Too often, the focus is only on the medical health of the carrier, but we know emotional health is just as critical."

Of course a surrogate's ability to carry the most healthy pregnancy isn't just about her physical health markers. In TCM terms, her shen (emotional spirit) needs to feel safe and have breaks from stress, her qi (energy) needs to flow smoothly, and she needs to feel resourced and supported in all aspects of her experience.

Community as medicine.

One insight from EDSS that particularly resonated with me is, "No one should walk through fertility struggles or surrogacy alone." They emphasize that community is found both within the EDSS support system and in close circles of family and friends.

This aligns beautifully with the TCM principle that healing happens in relationship, and that emotional stagnation can be released through co-regulation, connection, and support. We don't thrive as isolated individuals — our health is intimately connected to our community, our relationships, and our sense of belonging. Community is actually medicine for moving stuck energy and restoring flow.

But as Katy, who’s been both an egg donor and a surrogate herself, wisely notes, "Community can also be complicated." Sometimes loved ones don't understand, and even well-meaning comments can sting. This is where having professional support becomes crucial — people who understand both the medical and emotional complexity of what you're experiencing.

Redefining success and control.

Perhaps the most profound insight from Katy at EDSS is about learning to redefine both success and control. She explains:

"Success isn't about whether every step happens exactly as planned... Success is found in the relationships built, in the resilience discovered, and in the hope sustained along the way."

This is revolutionary thinking in our control-obsessed culture. I love this so much!

In TCM, we have a concept called wu wei. It means action through non-action, or working with natural rhythms rather than forcing outcomes. Surrogacy, by its very nature, invites intended parents into this practice of wu wei. Katy says:

"In many ways, this journey invites everyone involved to loosen their grip and instead lean into trust."

This isn't passive resignation — it's an active practice of creating optimal conditions while releasing attachment to specific outcomes. It's creating the internal calm and balance that supports whatever unfolds.

An integration opportunity: four layers of whole-you surrogacy.

What excites me about perspectives like EDSS's is how they naturally align with what I teach my patients and in my flagship online fertility course as the four layers of truly-holistic fertility care, and how surrogacy actually amplifies the need for each of these layers.

Foundation

EDSS recognizes the need to "redefine success and control," which is exactly what foundation work is about — building felt safety and disrupting unrelenting stress cycles when facing the ultimate unknowns. Surrogacy takes this to another level because you're literally practicing the deepest form of letting go while finding ways to create meaning and stay grounded in what matters most to you.

Nursery

EDSS truly shines here. They understand the medical and procedural nuts and bolts of fertility and surrogacy incredibly well. Much of their staff has been through these experiences first-hand — the medical protocols, legal frameworks, matching process, and all the reductionist details that matter enormously when you're navigating third-party reproduction. Being good at understanding these complex medical and logistical layers is still a huge deal, and their expertise in these areas is invaluable for families.

House

This is where EDSS's observation about intended parents' bodies responding to pregnancies in other people becomes profound from a mind-body perspective. What I see clinically is that the liver qi stagnation from years of fertility frustration don't just disappear when you move to surrogacy. Your whole energetic system still needs support to process this major transition and regulate your nervous system response.

Neighborhood

EDSS touches on this with their community focus, but true neighborhood work in surrogacy gets complex, fast. It's about navigating the relationship between surrogate and intended parents, managing each person's unique support network, and helping partners, other children, and extended family understand and support this journey. As they note, "Community can also be complicated" — which is exactly why specific relationship skills become crucial.

Incorporating all of these layers is exactly the kind of thinking that moves us away from the fragmented "fix the problem" approach and toward true healing.

Practical integration for surrogacy journeys.

If you're considering or beginning a surrogacy journey, here's some important ways to integrate whole-person care.

For Your Physical Body

Consider acupuncture treatments to move liver qi stagnation and support nervous system regulation
Gentle movement practices to help stuck energy flow (walking, yoga, dancing)
Support your digestion (liver qi stagnation often disrupts digestive function)

For Your Emotional Well-being

Consider counseling with someone who understands fertility trauma
Join support groups with others who've walked this path
Practice stress reduction techniques like meditation or journaling

For Your Relationships

Communicate openly with your partner about fears and hopes
Set boundaries with family and friends who don't understand
Build connection with your medical team and surrogate

For Your Spirit

Find practices that connect you to something larger than yourself
Create meaningful rituals around your journey
Focus on what you can control while releasing what you cannot

The bigger picture.

As Katy beautifully concludes, "Surrogacy is about more than babies being born. It's about the communities of love and support that are built around those babies, and the courage it takes to walk a path that is anything but simple."

This captures something essential. True fertility care isn't just about achieving pregnancy, it's about creating the conditions where life can flourish. Not just for the baby, but for the parents, the relationships, and the whole family system.

Whether you're carrying your own pregnancy or working with a surrogate, the same fundamental truth applies. Your whole being matters, your healing matters, and you deserve care that honors all of who you are.

The future of fertility medicine — including third-party reproduction — will be integrative, trauma-informed, and centered on the whole person. Organizations like EDSS are leading this transformation, one family at a time.

Listen to the Podcast Episode!

A true, heartfelt special thanks to the team at Egg Donor & Surrogate Solutions for sharing their insights. To learn more about their approach to surrogacy, visit createahappyfamily.com. You can also hear more of our conversation about the whole-person approach to third-party reproduction on the Create a Happy Family Podcast. I had the honor of being a guest to discuss how holistic fertility care applies even when someone else is carrying your pregnancy.

For comprehensive holistic fertility support throughout your journey, including surrogacy, I'm here to help you thrive in your whole being.

Nicole 🧡

AFTER READING THIS POST

Listen to one of my favorite meditations I’ve created, When I Tell You You’re Stuck.

Nicole Lange

LICENSED ACUPUNCTURIST
HOLISTIC FERTILITY EDUCATOR