PODCASTS

Longing and Living: A Meditation

by Nicole Lange

So often the quest for a child becomes all consuming. We want it so much. Before we know it we're living for having a child. Living for the future. Waiting for that one desire to be fulfilled before we can really live. 


Every cell of our being seems to long for a child.

And so everything we eat, 
breathe, 
think, 
drink, 
feel, 
and do, 
is to fulfill that one desire. Because when it finally happens we are sure that it will be worth it. 


So often we become so invested in achieving our goal 
we forget to live in the moment.

Most days our lives are in a holding pattern. Waiting for the next step, 
ovulation, 
the next appointment, 
the next pregnancy test, 
paperwork, 
waiting to be chosen. 
In short, waiting for our child. 


Sometimes the only times we splurge, express, or quote unquote "cheat," 
in other words the only time we live, 
is when we're comforting ourselves. 
Because our dream has been delayed.

Derailed.

Broken.

And we feel defeated. 


Living in the moment becomes a crummy consolation prize 
only for a while until we begin to try again and the holding patterns reemerge.

When we put our lives on hold how does it feel?

Do you feel deprived?

Frustrated?

Stuck?

Hopeless?

Out of control?

Desperate or obsessed? 


Are you missing out? Do you think you have to be positive or you'll jinx it? Does every move you make get weighed against the possible implications it will have on your fertility or a potential pregnancy or a child? 


What sorts of sacrifices are you making because you hope they'll pay off? Sacrificing intimacy or connection, 
 sacrificing eating foods you like, 
sacrificing your sleep, 
sacrificing your social life, 
sacrificing your sanity and balance, 
sacrificing doing what feels right for what a doctor, book, website, or article tells you to do. 


Are you moving through life with your breath held? Are you waiting for things to be fine once you get through this? Are you convinced there's no way things could be fine right now? 


What if you could feel better right now? What if that was truly best for your fertility?

What if instead of feeling beat down and hurt 
you decided to move towards building yourself up and healing instead?

What if instead of longing and feeling stressed, stifled, and stuck you decided to still try 
but in a new way? A way that lets you live.

The spark of life that needs to ignite in you is waiting. Your life is waiting. Can you open to them? Can you be in the moment completely and trust that this is the right place to be? Can you live for yourself right here and right now and not for the future or for the past? 


Instead of waiting for the future try to be here right now. 


Instead of thinking of this as throwing in the towel 
think of it as trusting something greater. Think of it as trusting a sort of wisdom that you might not be able to understand, 
but trust it anyway. And live.

Trust that when you live right now you will become more fertile. Trust that when you're healthy and balanced you are receptive. 
Trust your body. Trust your inner wisdom.

Know that mothering yourself is just the sort of practice you'll need to mother someone else. 


So listen to the person inside of you that is already a mother. Who has always been a mother. And could never be anything but a mother. What is she saying? 


"Slow down." 


"It's bedtime."

"Eat well."

"You'll hurt yourself if you keep that up."

"I'm listening."

"You are special."

"You are perfect."

"You are trying so hard."

"Let's do something fun today."

"You're doing so great. And I'll take care of you."

"I love you."

"I love you, and I will never not love you."